blast from the past

Here's my first real email from "Jesse." Prior to this one, it was just initial contact to get real email addresses through HBO. Once again, I've changed names of people that don't need to be drug into this anymore than they already have been.

This is from July 8, 2005 - oh and for those pervy types reading, the "balls" being discussed are bath bombs

I opened the mail and had shit to write but the minute I stopped typing on the board the travel caught up with mzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. The They say there are no stupid questions but i feel stupid asking this. I'm pretty online interactive ignorant. The majority of my only experience has been really really bad experience and so now I hear all the folks in my head. The ones yelling no personal info no personal info not even a name. This is not a problem for me with you but i have this as the ???. So far 5 people from the deadwood group have asked me for an address ranging from the sweet {REDACTED} to one of the chicks on the {REDACTED} thread that actually just about scared me away from the place it was so intense. So the stupid question is-- if I succumb to my desire for the balls can I count on the stand up sense of discretion that rises from you in other situations in my case? This sounds so fucking stupid but in the case of {REDACTED} and the 3 others I just don't want to make them feel bad and in the case of chick 5-- if she knew I gave to you what i wouldn't give to her she'd find me and gut me. Or worse-- bitch and yell at me-- which is a horror throw back for auBoy and not good for his head in any way, shape, or form. I hope they aren't blue. I got enough of those myself.
Jesse
Caffeine is my co-pilot

My response

Hi, Jesse.

Relax. I'll talk about myself till the proverbial cows come home, and oh, all right, I talk shit about slebs I hate, like Tom Cruise. But I do not mention private shit that goes on between me and anybody on the boards, much to the chagrin of a few!

But I understand if you don't want to give your addy out. Just know that it's safe with me. The balls will be here for when you're ready....and, yeah, some of the nicest Lush ones are blue, but I promise not to send 'em to ya.

And yeah. Some folks are just fuckin' crazy, internets or no fucking internets.

I've gotta go make some coffee before my 10am meeting. We'll talk more.

xp

Oh, sad, gullible me, eh? Laying the groundwork with the very first email. Way to go, Janna.

But then, eight hours later, I get hit with this one:

You wrote "we'll talk more" and because i'm feelin a sudden sense of urgency I'm makin that come true on my end. There's a forest fire in Custer county and that's too close for them to not call me up. i knew it was coming I just didn't know when. it always depends on the whether the weather helps or hurts. I've been a volunteer firefighter since I was a kid but I went to the Wildfire Academy in Alamosa to get my forest fire certification about a decade ago after they lost 14 fighters at Storm King in Glenwood Springs. So far i've lived thru a lot of them but I try not to stuff down my fear because I think fear can help keep you alive. There are 12 of us going from the surrounding counties here so they're gonna chopper us over and in. Good for me with the leg cause that car sittin is murder on it. They only asked for 24 hours and i can manage that. The last piece to write will have to wait because i'd rather spend this time between now and my ride at 6 on the ridge with my laptop, wireless card, and you.

Air.

Ya the internet has pretty much sucked for me on a couple levels. I came into deadwood at magnolia's request for a couple of really good reasons but i did it kicking and screaming and I think that kinda showed in my earliest tude riddled posts. She is somebody who was the most fucking open book I've ever known but that naivete and her "people with nothing to hide hide nothing" stand got her into some serious online shit. She is a longtime, back to teenagers friends with a has been musician that still had a psycho following about 8 ago when she first got a computer. Long story short a "friend" of hers (who she forgives) let people know in a chatroom for this guy that she knew somebody who knew him.

Air.

I don't get what people will do to feel important or project importance even third or fourth hand. Like those degrees of separation. I'd never admit it about this particular tool because its fucking embarrassing cause the dick is a recluse prick and Magnolia'd never drop it because she reminds me of you in all that. I think people who have been around celebrity don't see it the same as people who want to be around celebrity. But long story short this led to Nolie hearing from a lot of freaks and one freak in particular who didn't know her but who took to wanting to write her some pretty serious and scarey shit about her friend. When she in her overly fucking diplomatic way wrote back to this person that she didn't think that kind of stuff was appropriate or comfortable for her to be talking about this thing flipped out on her. It took to stalking her and about three years into that it was finally figured out that this same freak had stalked the celebrity for 20 years-- since they'd lived in the same town.

Air.

The simplest stuff this fucking asshole did made us all laugh. Like posting in the Screech from Saved By the Bell worship forum under Magnolia's real name. Lots of other places too. But it also ferreted out pretty much her whole life and built a torment web site where it would post this stuff about her, the tool, and a few other people it was stalking. Magnolia was listed in those days and one day this freak calls her house and tells her daughter that her mother was in an accident and they really needed her father's name to start treatment because the insurance was in his name. Magnolia kept her own name and this freak was always PO-d that it couldn't track her husband cause his name was differetn. The poor kid didn't know any better and gave it up. So then they both had some pretty embarrassing shit floating around the net.

Air.

Next he moved to calling and telling Nolia what her offspring looked like, wearing, where she herself was the day before-- shit like that. She ended up moving 1200 miles away from the land she loves and people who loved her to try to escape this freak. This stuff made me insane and because I think I'm pretty fucking smart I started tangling with this thing to try to out it. I never succeeded. Neither did a cop who took on the case to use for his goal of introducing internet laws for passage about what he calls the lawless cyber Wild Frontier. He's still working on the case. It's been 8 years.

Air.

It was my insanity at the frustration of a couple years of not being able to find out who the FUCK was doing this that made sure everybody in my life knew about it. I would talk about it to the spouse and to my sister. Especially when this thing learned my name and begin its assault on me. You would not believe the elaborate means this thing goes thru to cause pain. It's a long fucking story but it created "another woman" for me-- an online lover-- and dropped her in places my wife would see. that shit was actually introduced in my divorce proceedings. I think now Mrs.X-au knows there was no woman but she didn't then and it wasn't as if I didn't make it bad enough all by myself. I didn't need any help in proving myself unworthy or fucked up. Chasing this freak was probably my only redeeming quality at that time and my vices were sex exclusive at that point so it was twice as stupid.

Air.

We-- Nolia, cop, me-- all thought we stumbled on this freak in online Deadwood. He was there first because he likes old timey Wild West shit. He lives in Colorado and is into the whole Village People cowboy outfits deal. People sick to fucking death of Magnolia going on about Deadwood pointed her to the forum. She thought she'd just lurk. The very first day Nolia went to Deadwood the first page she happened to open-- there was somebody mentioning the Celebritool and how his parents lived "2 houses down" from this guy and maybe he could hook up the Deadwood chick asking him about it. (no one lives next to this guy. He lives on a section-- 550 acres-- with the closest neighbor about 5 miles away. There are no "doors down".) She said her blood ran cold. When she paid attention to the MO of this person over a few weeks it was just too big a coincidence to not be the same freak. Cop says the same.

Air.

But Magnolia didn't bring me into it right away. She wanted to make sure I wasn't going to flip the fuck out and go after this thing again. Personally I agreed with her that this fuck h as enough of our lives already and we decided not to give it the time of day. I actually stayed away at first. She has been real real careful about what she says so as to not let it get downwind of her. She finally called me in to read some stuff that had nothing to do with the freak at all. It was you and [REDACTED]. This was interesting to us because it was so spontaneious and intoxicating and enthusiastic and inspired and delicious. It reminded us of us. I was Magnolia's {REDACTED}.

Air.

It was reading you that got me hooked and then every other fucking brilliant star that writes there. Because i didn't want to fixate I tried to get around in other threads but as I said-- that bought me some trouble I wasn't looking for. The one woman latched onto me in e-mail and while it might seem like I'm after sex talk i don't think I really am because she scared the shit out of me. Angry person too. I tried to let her down as nicely as I could by telling her i'm a fuck up who is still way too into trying to get it right right now. She was writing to Magnolia too then and asking personal questions about me. Magnolia had already learned that online in particular she can't live by "people with nothing to hide hide nothing" and shut the woman down. The woman thought it was suspicious that Magnolia would say nothing. That I'd say nothing. Then this woman decided i was {REDACTED} because "{REDACTED} says sammich and you said sammich". Okay............... At the same time she was accusing {REDACTED} of being {REDACTED} and somebody named {REDACTED} i've never seen. Our kiss of death came when the {REDACTED} thread was talking about tampons and all the details that go along with that. That don't appeal to me. By coincidence it didn't appeal to Magnolia either as she's turned off by the graphic and scatagorical in real life too. Because we both posted in the {REDACTED} thread that night she wrote both of us bitchy e-mail about being traders. Coincidence again-- we both wrote her we just weren't into the topic. It was then she decided we were the same person. Minutes after writing my "bad trader boy because there is a competition with the {REDACTED} thread" e-mail she made a fake name and dropped that post that said I was Magnolia-- but dropped it no place else other than the {REDACTED} thread. Three minutes after that she posted in the {REDACTED} thread. that doesn't make me a deducer because its just my job that trains me to look at consistencies/ inconsistencies like that. I natually follow details even if i don't want to. I believe she did do it and now hates me because I wouldn't answer the flood of apology e-mails except for a thanks and its okay in the thread itself. This i only mention because I shared this with my sister too and it was at this point she said "if you ever bring any of this to darken my door and threaten my children". She doesn't even have to finish that.

Air.

My sister has helped save my life and I won't do anything to bring stupid or danger to her or her family. As kids she saved me from my parents too. She not only helps keep me strong she also makes it possible to move forward. this summer for the first time my son is coming to me for two weeks. In the past I've been able to see him at Christmas and in summer but only by going to him and having supervised visits there. Mrs. X-au totally trusts my sister and that along with the fact miniAu can tell her if he hates being here now has brought her to let him come stay with the auSis. He'll be just a few acres away from me. This fuckin freaks me out because I don't know him and vice versa but there too auSis is gonna make it all good.

Air.

I don't even deserve this chance so I gotta make it good. The last night i was alone with him he was just a flesh lump. I left an infant alone to go score drink and drugs after being clean for months. I'd been sober, safe, and sane for so long his mom finally felt it was safe enough to go out for an overnight shopping girlfriend deal in nyc. It's no excuse but we were living in the east then and i'd been covering the aftermath of 9-11 for two months straight. The auBoy is soft and had a rough time with the magnitude of that. I didn't know where to put it or how to escape it after awhile. Getting megahigh just seemed like the way to go. So that little baby lay there on his back all alone while I went to buy and then worse lay there all alone while my body was busy playing tennis with life and death on the living room floor. By the time I got out of the hospital they were both gone. The house was empty but that was nothing compared to the vacant space in me.

Air.

So what the fuck is this you're thinkin? What the fuck is he telling me this for? we're back to catching a chopper within minutes. if I wasn't going where i'm going right now and wasn't afraid about it I'd never write this. this way tho, if something happened to me I was able to tell you some shit I would have wanted to tell you over time we didn't have. This way I've calmed myself before the firestorm and covered my ass in case that mistress death decides to fuck me.

I'm sure it's easy for you to be beautiful every day. For lots of women. But it takes soemthing special to be so incredibly beautiful flat, black, and white on a computer screen. You so shine. I'll think of you when I cinch that harness around my thighs.

Jesse
Caffeine is my co-pilot

Just call me sucker.